SOTW Roundup: 02/12/12 – 02/18/12

Feb 21, 2012 in News

Valentine’s Day was this week. You either celebrated it with your significant other or it was another Tuesday for you. Those are the only options. If you’re one of those assholes who believe Valentine’s Day was created by Hallmark and Russell Stover or that it’s a meaningless, arbitrary date to prove yourself to your significant other, there’s a reason why you’re single or your relationship is in shambles. And if you use the day to stew about how lonely you are, well, that’s why you’re lonely. It’s the same type of douche that has to mention how the Pilgrims gave the Indians chickenpox-infested blankets during Thanksgiving therefore making the holiday a sham. Or the guy that has to let you know his atheist beliefs during Christmas. These people are missing the point of holidays, which is essentially to enjoy yourself. Sure, we’re celebrating something, but whatever it is we are celebrating is really just the excuse or the context of the real purpose of the holiday…to relax and enjoy. Obviously, Valentine’s Day isn’t for everybody. With that said, you either enjoy it or you go about your day. I’m not Jewish, so I don’t rant and rave about how stupid Hanukkah is because I have no feeling about something that doesn’t pertain to me. The same should go for single people on Valentine’s Day: it doesn’t pertain to you, so why bother being bothered?  Anyone who despises this holiday doesn’t actually despise the holiday…they despise themselves. It serves them as a reminder that they are single, which leads to a reminder as to WHY they are single. For some, V-Day holds a mirror to people and exposes all the flaws that make them undesirable. You can’t blame Hallmark or Russell Stover for these imperfections.* I personally have an endless amount of character flaws, many of which I’m sure will be exposed in…THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

 * Unless you’re fat, in which case Russell Stover can share some blame.

Two weeks ago I mentioned the major benefits the drug ketamine has in curing depression almost immediately. Last week, Whitney Houston taught us the benefits drugs have in curing your ability to live. This week we will learn what happens when drugs such as ketamine remain illegal. A new legal high called methoxetamine (aka “safe ketamine”) has surfaced. British streets are being flooded with the drug (aka MXE or mexxy) and two deaths have been attributed to it. Easily bought online, MXE is said to be a safe alternative to ketamine without the side effects…well, assuming you don’t count “death” as a side effect. According to the article, legal substitutes for all kinds of drugs are popping up left and right. This raises an issue: do we legalize and regulate drugs? On one side, you have the fact that people will always manufacture their own drugs (probably not by any well-respected chemist from Pfizer) as long as they are illegal, thereby leading to a black market with a bunch of “basement laboratory” narcotics. On the other side, you have people who abuse and die from the drugs that are in fact legal and regulated (see: Whitney Houston…allegedly). If ketamine were legal, people could potentially cure their depression without risking having to take an alternative form that only god knows what can be in it. Then again, if ketamine were legal, people will still abuse it and die. So where do we draw the line? Is the line between pharmaceutical drugs and illegal narcotics really that blurred? This whole issue is a Catch-22, which is why drugs (including pot) will never be completely decriminalized. Also, is two deaths really enough to conclude that a drug is deadly and should be banned? I’m sure two people will die from a heart attack after eating a cheeseburger within two weeks. Do we ban cheeseburgers then? Unless people are dropping like flies and/or are doing something violent/anti-social, just let them expand their minds and have fun…for fuck’s sake.

Speaking of altering your mind with drugs, an ex-government consultant says Eisenhower met with aliens…three times. I know, right? One time, sure, but three times? Get the fuck out of here! Okay, so one time is crazy as hell also. There aren’t very many details, but the idea that Eisenhower met with aliens has long been suspected. In 2010, Henry McElroy Jr., a retired New Hampshire state representative, made a video announcement stating he had seen a secret document in regards to the same allegation. On Episode 80 of Soundtrack of the Week (it’ll be up some day), we had a lengthy discussion about conspiracy theories. My take: usually, there are entirely WAY too many variables that have to fit in place for any conspiracy to be pulled off without a hitch, i.e. no one will ever know. Pre-20^th century conspiracies are more plausible due to the lack of technology and documented records. The moon landing happened and the U.S. government didn’t stage 9/11…there is no fucking way something so intricate and massive can be pulled off so flawlessly. Also, how is it that aliens can come to this planet, no one notice, and they just happen to know a) who/what the president of the United States is and b) how to contact him and only him undetected? Or perhaps all those crazy assholes who claimed to see aliens ACTUALLY DID!!! DUH DUH DUUUHHHHHH!!! Probably not though. Not to mention the fact that within this article, it is suggested that aliens continue to walk among us today and mean no harm. Sounds like the movie Men in Black. Perhaps that movie is trying to tell us something!!! DUH DUH DUUUUHHHHH!!! Again, probably not. Also, Eisenhower was a crazy asshole…he would have gunned those aliens down like they were Mexicans…you know…if Mexican immigration were a problem in the ‘50s, which it really wasn’t. Whatevs.

Heart attacks are no laughing matter. Well, unless you have a heart attack at an infamous restaurant named The Heart Attack Grill, in which case it kind of is. The restaurant, based in Las Vegas, prides itself on serving its customers the worst, most artery-clogging shit known to man. The guy went down while eating a Triple Bypass Burger. That $11.10 (plus 8.1% sales tax) Triple Bypass is going to cost that guy a $50,000 triple bypass. ZING! It should be worth noting that some of the burgers on the menu clock in at well over 8,000 calories! First of all, you can’t blame this restaurant for what happened…well, not directly anyway. People go in and out of that place all the time with no medical emergencies. A healthy person can eat shit like this once and awhile and only walk away with a bunch of shame and disgust. I’m no doctor, however, if you’re a great big fat person, chowing down on FOUR OR FIVE DAYS’ WORTH of calories and fat may contribute to some cardiac issues. The worst part about this story is the reaction of the other customers. Rather than help a dying man on the floor, everyone TOOK PICTURES OF THE GUY ON THEIR FUCKING CELL PHONE! If you don’t think we are done as a society, then take a look at the Heart Attack Grill menu:

 

Yes, this place is real. This restaurant would be over-the-top in the movie Idiocracy! Morbidly obese people eat free?!?! Sale of unfiltered cigarettes?!?! Colt 45?!?! Even for Vegas, this is pretty fucked up. If we don’t get our shit together as a society, this is what every McDonald’s will look like in the future.

As a smoker, the one type of person I cannot stand is the non-smoker who has to make it a point to let me know of my nasty habit, either directly (“Smoking is bad for you.” NO SHIT, SURGEON GENERAL ASSFUCK!) or indirectly (over-exaggerated, cunt-like cough). However, there is one person worse than that…the e-cigarette smoker. You’re either a smoker or you’re not! Either quit smoking or quit lying to your weak-minded self and light one up! That is why I had a huge smile when I read this headline: Electronic cigarette explodes in US man’s mouth. Good. I’m glad. That’s one less hipster who’ll put one in his mouth (insert “penis in mouth instead” joke). The other week, I was at a bar where I saw a douche smoking a NEON GREEN e-cig in a bar. That’s at least three levels of faggotry** right there. Fortunately for him, I hadn’t hit the Jaeger yet. With smoking indoors being banned practically everywhere, it’s really easy to spot these taints of society. One reason why I hate these people is because of the level of confidence needed to smoke an e-cigarette in public. To mimic smoking inside where it has been banned for awhile, you have to not care about how out-of-place (and absurd) you look. The thing is, that level of confidence far exceeds any justifiable amount of confidence a person who would smoke these things should have. You know who loves this story more than me? Tobacco companies! Boners popping up left and right when they heard this news. By the way, this part of the SOTW Roundup is brought to you by Philip Morris.

** Please, for the love of God, don’t be offended by that choice of a word. I will hate you for it.  

So you think you’re smarter than a fifth grader? Well, you probably are. Seriously, I didn’t learn half of the questions on that shitty show until high school. What fifth grader knows the circumference of Earth?!?!? Okay, you’re smart, but can you hack it in an MIT classroom? Not sure? Good news: you can find out! MIT is launching free online courses. In case you don’t already know, MIT is for the people who were too smart to go to Harvard or Yale. The classes are free of charge, NO entrance requirements, and can be taken by anybody. Circuits and Electronics will be the first class offered and “in order to succeed, you must have taken an AP level physics course in electricity and magnetism…you must know basic calculus and linear algebra and have some background in differential equations.” I bring this up for two reasons. First, I think it is great that the most prestigious school is giving everyone a chance to learn information that can pave the way for a better future. The shit you learn at a public state university is essentially irrelevant to the real world. The stuff you learn from MIT professors can lead to major innovation in science and technology and other fields. Second…I enrolled. Yes, I will be taking an MIT course and will keep all of you updated on my progress. It should be noted that I have ZERO knowledge in electrical/magnetic physics, basic calculus, or differential equations. I think I know linear algebra…I think. Anyway, wish me luck. BACK TO SCHOOL!

Once I acquire my degree from MIT, I may run for Congress so I can stop shit like the following from actually happening: the Virginia state Legislature passed a bill that would require women to have an ultrasound before they have an abortion. Not only is there absolutely NO medical basis for this law, but additionally, most women will be forced to have a transvaginal (i.e. invasive) procedure. In other words, the state is legally raping women by forcing them to partake in vagina-probing activities. The fact this made it onto a bill, let alone is almost guaranteed to become law, is why I hate our government. We are forcing women who want to have an abortion to have a medical procedure that is 100% unnecessary in terms of physical health. Whether or not it is necessary on a moral standpoint is NOT UP FOR THE GOVERNMENT TO DECIDE. I can’t wait for Virginia’s crime rate to skyrocket in about 15-20 years, considering areas where abortions are legal and commonplace tend to experience less crime. Hmmmmmm, I wonder why that is…it could not have anything to do with the fact that forcing unwilling women to raise a human being has negative consequences. Girl gets pregnant. Girl wants abortion. Girl is vaginally probed per state law. Girl changes mind. Girl changes mind again…AFTER the child is born. Girl neglects child she never wanted from the get-go. Child has parent issues, becomes a major fuck-up, is a shit stain on society, probably rapes a few girls, one of which gets pregnant and wants an abortion…repeat cycle. Have fun, Virginia! You were the first place our forefathers colonized in America, and now you’ll be probably the last place in America any of us want to be right now (excluding Delaware, but they don’t count).

Fortunately, that last article featured a state law. On a federal level, we are a little more attentive with the decision process of law-making. Right? Wrong! Congress has their health care hearing this week. Specifically, arguments for and against birth control… WITH NO WOMEN OR MEDICAL DOCTORS PRESENT!!!!!!!!! Nope, just a bunch of old, male religious leaders. They are arguing about the whole “church and state” issue, which is ironic considering THEY’RE USING RELIGIOUS BELIEFS TO AFFECT LAWS! If you asked a fucking chimp with Down’s Syndrome to point to a group of people to speak at a birth control meeting, he would throw his feces at you…THEN he would point to a woman and a fucking doctor! How do you think this is going to look in the history books a hundred years from now? “Yes, Little Timmy. You’re great-grandfather lived in an archaic, unevolved point in American history where they never even thought of having women or doctors say anything about birth control legislation.” “But why?” “Well Timmy, because there’s no god.” “Everyone knows that Ms. Jenkins.” “They weren’t as smart as we are now.” “So is that why homosexuals couldn’t get married?” “*sigh* Yes, Timmy. Yes.”

 

For more news and commentary that use the word “fuck” excessively, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. Just think about what the history books will say about you if you don’t.