SOTW Roundup: 12/11/11 – 12/17/11

Dec 19, 2011 in News

By Ty Fisher

 

The world lost another great thinker this week. Christopher Hitchens died due to cancer on Thursday. Hitchens was a huge inspiration for writers and thinkers such as myself. Well known as the voice of modern atheism (or as he phrased it, “antitheism”), he stood up for certain philosophies, beliefs, and ideologies that most writers before him would shy away from. Hitchens’ beliefs were often against the grain of popular opinion. Not because that was his intention, but because his honest beliefs just happened to be the opposite than that of everyone else. As someone who the media considered to be a liberal, he defended the most current Iraq War and railed against Bill Clinton. That’s what made Hitchens so great; he was never married to a label or the ideologies attached to such labels. He was just a free thinker. Hitchens never attached himself to a group and often deplored those who tried to brand him (i.e. “liberal,” “atheist,” etc). It was this ability to think for himself and only himself that made his writings and public debates so brilliant. Hitchens revealed the logical fallacies people commit when attached to a certain label. For example, liberals will defend Obama no matter what and religious people will defend their religion despite inconsistencies in logic and reason. To be completely honest with yourself and others with what is actual truth and that which is not can only be accomplished by allowing yourself to change your mind about things you once believed in. That is exactly what Hitchens did, and it taught me a lot about myself and my writings. Given the format of The UAP, I’m sure Hitchens inspired many others on this site. I would say “RIP, Hitchens,” but ironically, he would not like that. Like those he influenced, Hitchens would like a stiff drink. In fact, he even wrote that writers “did some of their finest work when blotto, smashed, polluted, shitfaced, squiffy, whiffled, and three sheets to the wind.” With that said, I’m getting drunk when writing…THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!*

Many of you know by now how I have suffered from depression and just recently sought treatment. For the UAP readers (i.e. first-time readers), you know now. Despite what some people may think, depression is a legitimate disease…in MOST cases. However, I have been led to believe that many are using this “disease” as an excuse for a lot of bullshit. According to this Wall Street Journal article, universities across the nation are trying to find out how to deal with students using depression as an excuse for missed assignments and the like. You see, my generation (Generation Y, aka Millennials, aka uber-pussies) are a bunch of self-entitled, pussified, whiny bitches. In result, college professors are being overwhelmed with requests for extensions on papers, exams, etc. Here’s an example: “College senior Leah Nelson emailed one of her instructors to ask for extra time to complete a paper. ‘I have been going through a rough patch lately and am making the decision to take care of myself this week,’ Ms. Nelson wrote. Her mental health, she continued, would ‘take priority over everything else.’” Here’s my advice to Ms. Nelson:

In fact, if I was a college professor, I would have the above image on file and ready to be fired at ALL times. Look, I suffer from depression and can agree it hinders you in many ways. Depression can HINDER production, but it will not DISABLE you from being productive. If it does, drop out of college and commit yourself to a psychiatric hospital. Seriously. You’re not fit for college. Get your shit together and try again. Twenty years ago, if you went to your professor and said, “My paper is going to be late because I’m super sad about my girlfriend breaking up with me and am emotionally distressed,” the professor would backhand you across the face and say, “MAN THE FUCK UP!” Listen, youth of today, life is hard…deal with it! When you graduate from college, this shit isn’t going to fly in the REAL world. For every emo douche who got an extension on his exam, there’s going to be a student with Lou Gehrig’s disease wheeling his crippled ass into that same exam ON TIME! These are the same whiny hipsters who are protesting at Occupy Wall Street. Maybe if you spent a little more time applying yourself and a little less time being a bitch, you’d have a job.

 

Racism and bigotry. It’s no laughing matter. Well, unless it’s the punch line of a joke, in which case it is often times hilarious! But when Lowe’s pulls their ads on a Muslim television show, because SOME white people hate ALL brown people, that’s just not cool. Lowe’s Home Improvement used to air ads during TLC’s All American Muslim, which is a show following the lives of five Muslim-American families and the hardships they endure. Hardships that include conservative groups like the Florida Family Association boycotting Lowe’s for recognizing the existence of brown people. For whatever reason, Lowe’s took it up the ass and pulled the ads. First of all, can’t we all agree that anything that attaches itself to the state of Florida is null and void? Nothing good comes from that cesspool. Hell, they let people blatantly murder their children and walk free! Second, corporations and advertisers need to quit tailoring their product to an extreme minority. One thing I have learned in life is that you cannot please everybody. With that said, please people who are worthy of being pleased and fuck the rest. Advertisers are constantly pulling “controversial” ads because a FEW people were butt-hurt about it. Point in case. The idea is that pleasing the whiny bitches of the world will add more potential customers. Well, guess what? I’m boycotting Lowe’s because I don’t support weak-minded people.** The Florida Family Association claims that buy showing Muslim-Americans living a normal life, TLC is hiding the “true” face of Islam. Okay, I’ll concede to your point if you start banning ads that advertise on Christian or Catholic programs that DON’T convey rampant boy fucking and domestic terrorism. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. Don’t get mad at me! Your shitty “holy” book says that.

 

Even though I actually hold a degree in journalism, I would never consider myself a legit journalist. Then again, who is nowadays? However, one standard I will hold myself to is to never have a misleading headline. Example: When I click “Cat Kills Family of Five,” some rogue house cat better have ODed on catnip and went berserk. Yet, it’ll be about a lion preying on five tribesmen in Africa. Or when I read “Binge Drinking as Contagious as the Common Cold,” that better damn well be the case. It’s not. A recent study allowed researchers to determine one’s binge drinking habits based on their partner’s binge drinking habits. I’m not going to go into details of the conditions of the variables (click the link if you need to know), but they found that the more your partner drinks, the more likely you are to match or exceed that habit. For some reason, journalists have never learned the difference between “correlation” and “causation.” And if they DO know, then they are pieces of shit for coming up with headlines like the above. You want to know why binge drinkers keep up with their partners? It’s called “enabling.” Drug addicts will only date other drug addicts because that allows them to continue using drugs. No heroin addict is dating a model citizen. Us alcoholics make sure we date others who love to drink. If we stray outside our kind, it’ll last less than a month. A normal guy will see a wasted chick at a bar and think, “One night stand.” I (and other alcoholics) on the other hand will see an obliterated chick at the bar and think, “Future wife.” This isn’t science, folks. This is common sense.

 

I recently graduated college with the intent of getting into radio. I’m 28 (judge away about taking so long to graduate), and I’m giving myself until the age of 30 to establish a career in the degenerate field of radio and entertainment. If I don’t, I have a plan of submitting to “The Man” and getting a real degree and a real career; either law school or med school. After seeing this, I’m willing to make the move to law school now. Sandusky’s lawyers have a new defense for the “shower scene”: he was merely showing these disenfranchised kids “proper shower technique.” I was going to paraphrase the complete explanation, but you would call bullshit. So I give you the REAL explanation of the shower scene:

“Some of these kids don’t have basic hygiene skills. Teaching a person to shower at the age of 12 or 14 sounds strange to some people, but people who work with troubled youth will tell you there are a lot of juvenile delinquents and people who are dependent who have to be taught basic life skills like how to put soap on their body.”

Yes. That happened. For realz. If being a lawyer for a high profile case is THIS easy, than I chose the wrong field. If a screenwriter submitted this script, he’d be fired instantly for literally unbelievable crap, just like the Weiner cock pics. Then again, these are the same lawyers that are letting Sandusky talk (a lot) and meet with former victims. Either God is fucking with us, or we as a human race are getting dumber by the day. Logic concludes the latter.

 

Meet Pedro and Buddy. They’re gay. However, the town they live in disapproves of gays, so they tear them apart and force them to love women. It’s a sad world we live in. Especially when the above story is true. Even more so when this true story is about PENGUINS! Not kidding. You can read about it here. Two dude penguins at the Toronto Zoo dig each other. In order to keep the species going, zoo officials cried “NO HOMO!” They separated the two, and guess what? THEY PRAYED THE GAY AWAY! Yep, now the penguins are banging chicks and have even fought one another for territory. I’m willing to bet that Michelle Bachman’s husband has jerked off to this article at least a dozen times…that and gay porn.

 

Thanks to 9/11, we can no longer bring hardly anything on a goddamn airplane. Not only is water the LEAST harmful substance on Earth, but also it is the MOST vital for our existence. Yet, good luck getting a bottle on a plane. Nail clippers? No go! You know, because of all those instances where people were bludgeoned to death after angering someone giving themselves a pedicure. These are all new though. It’s been widely accepted for a LONG time that you can’t bring drugs onto the plane. EVERYONE got that memo…except for Freddie Gibbs. Apparently, Mr. Gibbs is under the impression that bringing a bag of weed onto a plane is perfectly okay. Good thing a TSA employee left him a friendly reminder:

As you can see, Gibbs got to keep his weed with a note that says, “C’mon Son.” Usually, I get upset when a celebrity gets away with stuff the rest of us would get crucified for. Then again, like me, you probably have no fucking clue who Freddie Gibbs is, so chances are neither did the TSA employee. Not to mention a lady found the following note in her bag next to her vibrator about month or two ago:

That’s some funny shit right there! Now I’m led to believe that TSA employees are actually pretty kick ass. The latter incident is kind of creepy and intrusive, but definitely reveals a sense of humor. The situation with Gibbs gives me hope that even TSA employees agree that the current laws are completely stupid. This is what the world needs across the board: discretion. I understand laws are in place for a reason (for the most part), but why enforce something when NOBODY is a victim? Having people in a position of power show a little discretion will make the world a better place…that, and legalizing marijuana.

 

Kobe Bryant’s wife filed for divorce. I guess it takes awhile for a person’s desire to rape to sink in for some. I doubt she’ll walk away with much, considering Bryant surely had a prenup.

“Vanessa Bryant’s mother previously told a Times reporter that the couple had no prenuptial agreement. ‘She just came home one day and said something to the effect that Kobe didn’t want a prenup, that he loved her too much,’ Sofia Urbieta Laine said in a 2005 interview.”

No prenup because you love someone too much?!?! What an idiot! Looks like Kobe’s decision-making skills in life are similar to his decision-making skills when taking shots on the court. I don’t care how much you love someone. You NEVER walk into a marriage when you’re super rich without a prenup. First of all, women are scandalous…especially super hot women. They are not above acting like you’re the man of their life for YEARS if it means raking in a few million. Also, as a rich celebrity, you’re susceptible to even hotter women wanting to get into your pants (usually it’s consensual). It is damn near impossible for any guy to turn down free sex with super hot women (see: Tiger Woods). Chances are, you’ll get caught cheating and lose millions in result. Too many people claim that prenups are proof that chivalry is dead. False! Chivalry is dead for a myriad of reason, and prenups are not one of them. In fact, prenups became popular BECAUSE chivalry had long been dead. And when I say “chivalry,” it goes both ways. Women are just as corrupt as men when it comes to relationships. At any rate, it’s good to see that Bryant loved his wife enough to ignore a prenup…and rape people.

 

For more of whatever this is and things that will make you laugh (or question your existence), listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. He’ll love you enough to not sign a prenup if you do…he’ll still rape on the side though.

 

 

* I’d probably do this drunk regardless.

** Actually, mostly because I’m incapable of DIY housework.