SOTW Roundup: 12/18/11-12/24/11

Dec 23, 2011 in News

Christmas is almost here! How do you celebrate the fake birthday of a fake person that has mostly been taken over by corporations? Did you know that December 25^th is NOT Jesus’ birthday? In fact, Christians didn’t even celebrate the birth of Jesus for the first couple centuries. They celebrated his resurrection because they were more concerned with Jesus as the Son of God rather than Jesus as the Son of Man. Somewhere around the 4^th century A.D., Christians saw Jesus as a spirit being. In result, the Church decided to celebrate his birth to reinforce his humanity. Well, by this time, everyone forgot when Jesus’ birthday was. You can’t blame them…I don’t know my best friend’s birthday, and I have been reminded every year for almost ten years now. These people haven’t even been told of Jesus’ birthday for over 400 years! How could they remember?!?! Around this time, the lower class of the Roman Empire would have a month long celebration of the winter solstice in December. However, the upper class viewed the birth of Mithras, the sun god, to be the holiest day. Guess what day that was. Mithras was believed to have been born from the earth…kind of like Jesus. Shepherds came to worship the young Mithras after they were told of his birth by the angels…kind of like Jesus. Also, Mithras was known as the Mediator since he was the middleman between man and moral obligations laid down by The Man…kind of like Jesus. After Mithras’ stay on Earth, he ascended to the heavens on a chariot…kind of like…okay, EXACTLY like Jesus!!! Anyhoo, the Church needed to choose a day to celebrate Jesus’ birth so they decided to go with December 25^th since people were already celebrating that day as a “holy day.” Some scholars put Jesus’ birth at around April 17^th. Let’s just call it April 20^th and celebrate that day the way we already do and the way Jesus (that hippy) wanted it…by smoking pot. Now that an atheist who never goes to church just schooled you on your own religion, I present my gift to you…THIS WEEK’S ROUNDUP!

Last week, Christopher Hitchens died, and this week, the world lost another great man and great thinker. HAHAHA! Just kidding! North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il died. Kim died of a heart failure on a train. North Korean officials say his diabetes and heart problems had nothing to do with his love of cigars, cognac and gourmet cuisine, but rather, was the result of the moral corruption caused by the American imperialists.* For some reason, it took awhile for “North Korea” or “Kim Jong Il” to start trending on Twitter. Perhaps the North Koreans were way too happy celebrating to start tweeting. OR maybe it’s because “ordinary North Koreans do not have access to the global Internet network, but are provided with a nationwide, public-use Intranet service called Kwangmyong, which features domestic news, an e-mail service, and censored information from foreign websites (mostly scientific).” Thank you, Wikipedia for that insightful bit of information that North Koreans won’t be able to access and find out about themselves. Well, they should have called then. “Most phones are only installed for senior government officials. Someone wanting a phone installed must fill out a form indicating their rank, why he wants a phone, and how he will pay for it.” Thanks again, Wikipedia! Wow, North Korea sucks! I bet these people are glad this dude is gone. “Traffic in the North Korean capital was moving as usual Monday, but people in the streets were in tears as they learned the news of Kim’s death. A foreigner contacted at Pyongyang’s Koryo Hotel said hotel staff were in tears.” What the fuck?!?! Kim Jong Il had that place by the balls! Maybe the next guy in charge will do better. What’s that you say? Kim’s 27-year-old son Kim Jong Un is his successor? Well, shit. I’m 28 and fucked in the head. Imagine me, but 1000 times more psychotic, leading the world’s fourth largest military. Yep, we’re all going to die.

Torrents are a wonderful thing. For the record, I personally do NOT illegally download files on the Internet, but I know many who do. Why not? We are all broke as shit and DVDs and mp3 downloads cost money. If you have the option of getting something for free with a 99.9999% of getting away with it, take it! Unless you’re the 0.0001% that gets busted…like this guy. A New York man was sentenced to one year in prison for uploading a “workprint” copy of X-Men Origins: Wolverine to the Internet a month before the theatrical release. He’ll also have one year of supervised released and numerous restrictions on the Internet. All of that for uploading a shitty movie that grossed over $85 million in the U.S. on opening weekend and over $373 million worldwide five months later. Wow! This guy cost the studios…well…probably a couple thousand dollars out of the millions that were earned. By the way, the FBI headed this investigation. White-collar crimes costing people like you and me our life savings? Meh. Domestic terrorism? Fuck it. Uploading a shitty movie from an uber-rich movie studio? YOU’RE GOING DOWN, ASSHOLE! The world is going to shit (see: Occupy Wall Street, Libya, etc.), yet, our top federal law enforcement agency is spending a shit load of money and manpower for THIS! U.S. Attorney Andre Birotte Jr. claims this case sends a strong message of deterrence. Mr. Birotte obviously knows NOTHING about the Internet. In fact, he can expect Anonymous to hack into his files any time now. Good. This is a digital age Robin Hood scenario. As long as the movie industry dry-anally rapes us at the movie theaters, we’ll do some of our own raping as well. Mostly metaphorically speaking…mostly.

If Don Imus has taught us anything, it’s that white people can’t call black people what other black people call black people. Well, we kind of knew that BEFORE Imus, but he really drove the point home. Looks like Dutch magazine Jackie didn’t get that memo. In an article suggesting how to dress like the pop star, Jackie referred to Rihanna as a “niggabitch.” Considering this is a Dutch publication, it’s safe to assume these are white people doing the writing. I doubt one of the seven black people in that region authored this article. First, let’s give credit where credit is due. They managed to use TWO derogatory terms when dropping the N-bomb. Not only that, but they took the two derogatory terms and COMBINED them to form one super-derogatory word! That takes some balls! As one would expect, Rihanna went on a long Twitter rant berating the publication citing segregation, race in general, blah blah blah. Let’s put race aside for just a minute. The question is: “Is Rihanna, in fact, a niggabitch?” Being the journalist that I am, I did some investigating to find the answer. To begin, is Rihanna a “nigga?” Again, set aside race. The SOTW Roundup is colorblind. Anyone can be a nigga. Is Rihanna?

According to the official Twitter account of Rihanna, she is in fact a “nigga.” She said it herself! However, that’s only half the equation. In order for Jackie to be in the clear, Rihanna must also be a bitch.

There you have it, folks! Rihanna is a SELF-PROCLAIMED niggabitch. Jackie wasn’t being racist. They were merely describing Rihanna in exactly the same way Rihanna describes herself. I expect Rihanna to tweet an apology to Jackie any day now. I also expect a Pulitzer Prize for this groundbreaking investigative journalism.

It’s that time of year…COLLEGE FOOTBALL BOWL GAMES! Is your alma mater playing in a bowl game? Are you a male? Guess what? You’re a dumbass! This week in “Thank You, Bill Nye the Science Guy,” researchers at the National Bureau for Economic Research have found that the better the football team, the dumber the male students are. Essentially, when the football team’s wins increased, the male students’ grades decreased. The geniuses conducting the survey cite alcohol consumption as a possible explanation, considering males drink and party more when the their team wins. WRONG! I think it’s safe to assume that researchers at the National Bureau for Economic Research aren’t exactly what we would call “rabid sports fans.” As a fan of sports and an expert in drinking and not doing well in school, let me lay down some logic. College males drink and party a lot no matter what. They’ll find excuses, and their team LOSING is just as valid a reason (in some cases MORE valid) to get drunk. Here’s a thought: perhaps schools with winning sports programs put more emphasis on athletics than education. Harvard, Yale, and Stanford typically have shitty sports teams (lacrosse and rowing are NOT sports). The southern states typically have great sports teams. Problem solved. I didn’t have to waste taxpayer dollars on THAT research…just thousands of dollars of my own student loans. Again, where the hell is my Pulitzer?!?!

On the Christmas Special of Soundtrack of the Week (Episode 72), we each had to choose one tangible item for our wish list. It could be anything, with price not being an issue. I chose a really nice, palace-like house paid for (including all future utility bills). Most of our paychecks go to rent and bills, so not only would a mansion open up my bank account, but it would also get me some ass (where the rest of our paychecks go towards). Too bad my dad isn’t Dmitry Rybolovlev. The Russian billionaire just bought his daughter an $88 million Manhattan penthouse. His daughter is a 22-year-old student in New York who is an avid horseback rider. With that kind of money, I’d ride her bareback! ZING! Many find the purchase, which was for the full asking price, strange considering the extremely shitty state of the housing market. Then again, if you have BILLIONS of dollars, who gives a shit? Dmitry earned his money as a business magnate. Nothing exciting worth explaining. Well, not unless you count the incident where he was in jail for a year after being accused for a murder plot against the general director of the Perm AO Neftekhimik, which Rybolovlev owned 40% of the shares. What?!?! That’s not the Russians I know! At any rate, people are super pissed about the purchase since everyone else is poor right now. Why?!?! Hipsters at Occupy Wall Street will claim it’s because this is the 1% displaying their extreme wealth as a big “Fuck you” to everybody. However, smart people with jobs will tell you people are pissed because they are jealous. That right there is the explanation for any ill will towards rich people. Average people don’t hate the rich because they exploited capitalism for their own greedy desires. No, people hate the rich because they are jaded about the fact THEY aren’t the ones buying cool shit. If your dad were a billionaire, you would have NO problem accepting an $88 million penthouse. But because your dad is a manager at the Home Depot, you have to shame those who have expensive stuff. My advice to the Occupy Wall Street protesters and others who hate rich people: work your ass off, become rich, and THEN report back to me and tell me how you feel. Chances are your opinion has changed a little.

‘Tis the season to be jolly…and a cunt. At least that’s how someone at the U.S. Postal Service in Bellevue, WA feels. Mailman Bob McLean has been dressing up as Santa on his route for over a decade now.** This year, The Man is ordering to put an end it to it. “The Santa Claus suit is not in compliance with the Postal Service’s dress code for letter carriers,” says Postal Service spokesman Ernie Swanson. True, but McLean has been doing this for over a decade now! Why start enforcing the code this year?!?! “He had been doing this for some and there had not been an issue, then a couple of weeks ago one of his fellow carriers raised the issue with management,” Swanson said. “The postmaster acknowledges that until one of his fellow carriers made an issue out of it he was okay with it,” Swanson said. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. Are you meaning to tell me some cunty co-worker just killed Christmas?! I cannot wrap my mind around the notion that someone was so vehemently against McLean’s Santa outfit (which everyone else loved) to the point they burned calories to have it stopped! Unless Bob fucked this person’s wife, I will never understand. Then again, this is not a guy move. Typically, women get this way in the workplace. Men either A) don’t ever give a shit or B) will do something outside the workplace (e.g. slashed tires, beating, fuck their wife). Whoever filed this complaint needs to be fired. Not only that, but they also need a full-page color ad in the paper announcing they are a whiny cunt, followed by a public stoning. I cannot stand people like this!!! DAMMIT, I’M SUPER PISSED NOW! Fortunately, Mr.—nay—Saint McLean won’t stand for it…he’s wearing the Santa suit anyway! “Kinda going rogue,” he said. “Might get in trouble.” Bob McLean, we salute you! Anonymous cunty “whistleblower,” suck on an AIDS popsicle.

I hear a Cher techno remix song…that shirt is way too tight for that guy…is that chick wearing combat boots? This can only mean one thing: GAY NEWS! This week in Gay News, the gay community issued a letter of apology to Senator Amy Koch. You see, Koch’s marriage has recently been ruined, and it’s all because of the gays. Being the Republican that she is, Koch has been trying to pass a constitutional amendment to make sure only heterosexual couples can get married…you know…the way GOD intended it. I’m assuming this is the same god that’s mentioned in the smut that is known as the Bible. Seriously, that book is full of crazy sex. Anyway, while trying to pass the amendment that solidifies the sanctity and holiness of marriage, Koch fucked a staffer…that wasn’t her husband. Looks like Koch REALLY loves the cock.*** Oh, sweet irony! You can bet the gays saw the irony right away as can be seen in this letter to the senator:

On behalf of all gays and lesbians living in Minnesota, I would like to wholeheartedly apologize for our community’s successful efforts to threaten your traditional marriage. We apologize that our selfish requests to marry those we love has cheapened and degraded traditional marriage so much that we caused you to stray from your own holy union for something more cheap and tawdry.

You got to love the great sense of humor the entire gay community has. I have never met a gay person that I didn’t like. They are generally free-spirited, fun people. I’m secure enough with my sexuality to admit that, which brings me to my next point: anyone who is vigorously against ANYTHING is 99.9999% guilty of participating in whatever it is they are against. “Pray the Gay Away” preachers have fucked more boys than any college football coach. If you are against something, simply quietly letting people know is enough. However, when you make it your life mission to destroy a group, you are overcompensating for something. So the next time some crazy old dude rants and raves about the gays, show him gay porn from her your smart phone and watch the erection explode in his pants. Also in Gay News, the Navy witnessed their first gay kiss (well, their first openly gay kiss). Here it is:

The military has never made me so hard! More like DO ask and DO tell! HIGH FIVE!!! I find it weird that the navy gay couple are two lesbians. Isn’t the navy known for gay DUDES? The goddamn Village People have a sailor AND a song called “In the Navy!!!” They strategically chose two hot chicks for the photo op. Why? Two chicks making out = hot. Two dudes making out = not hot. It’s really that simple. Gay rights have come a long way in the past year or two…for hot lesbians. Gay men will still have to wait patiently for the privilege to make out in public and have no one think anything of it. In the meantime, straight dudes will have the privilege of seeing more of this! And they say the country is going to shit…

For more news and rants that are equally funny (and exponentially MORE gay), listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com, iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t, Santa will bring you a stocking full of coal…and stop delivering your mail…and rape your wife and kids.

* I may have made that up.

** It should be noted that he only does this during Christmas. Otherwise, this complaint would make much more sense.

*** Did you really think I was going to pass up a “cock” joke with that last name?